Oh, you're not done

You have plenty more places to discover

You have plenty of changes that uncover faces you wouldn't think were yours

Oh, see the sun

The shadows it casts will not be the end

It falls and then rises again to remind us that hope is new

Oh, you're not done

Your small little eyes will behold such surprises soon

You, you will be whole again

You will be whole again

You are whole again

You were never any less

You, you will be whole again

You will be whole again

You are whole again

You were never any less

Keep walking on

And you will discover the secrets and signs

And learn how to whisper them into the winds of change and time

For maybe all that aimless wandering wasn't aimless after all

We Won't Know Tomorrow Either

Raymond,

I woke up this morning and realized I had sprouted roots.

It was then that I knew I needed to write this letter, though I know you may not need to receive it and you probably should not even read it.

But I also know what you would say were I to decide to be dishonest with myself on account of you.

We've been silent for quite a while now, haven't we? And I don't mean the kind of silent where we say nothing at all to one another. But the kind of silent where we say absolutely everything except for what we really mean. I don't have to explain this to you- you know exactly what I'm talking about. After all, you've practically perfected the concept of over-sharing in an understated manner. Your stories are built upon it. That, and a deep, insatiable hunger for honesty.

It is the knowledge of that hunger which leads me to this: My dear, I'm afraid I have a confession to make; a confession and a warning.

My confession is that I have received the advances of a man who does not see the me that you called out so long ago. I know that hearing this will break your heart, and knowing that breaks mine. Only, please do not think me falling under the curse of the fairer sex when I speak of my emotion over this. I know the real reason it pains you, I am not a sentimental fool.

You always longed for that person you found in me to stay, even after you had to leave. I know this because I see the way that you look for her, still- hoping no one will take notice. But I have.

She made a leaver out of you because you could not contain her. And though it killed you, you rejoiced in it simply because she exists. So I know that you will think her threatened because this man, though well-intentioned, has no idea where to look for her. And I fear you may be correct.

But I apologize. I had promised two things and have found myself carried away with the former, while the latter is the much more important matter. My confession is that he has asked for my heart; my warning is that I have not yet given it to him. I regret deeply that he does not know this, nor would he ever know why. Your name does not leave my lips. He's a good man- what most would die to catch the eye of- and that's what makes knowing I do not love him so difficult. Also, knowing that he loves me. At least, he loves the me he believes he has found.

And though I catch myself growing more and more fond of him everyday, you know why he cannot ever have my heart. You know better than anyone. And because of this, you know why I am writing this letter. And why I'm not.

Because, darling, I would be willing to wait, if I honestly believed you would ever arrive. But you've staked too much of who you want to be known as on not knowing who you are. And I'm sorry to say, but I've mostly lost my taste for masochism.

So this is my confession to you- a confession and a warning- rather than the sort of ill-fated request it may sound like to an uninformed reader. And may it serve as nothing more than an admission of the fact that if you were to say any word, give any motion in the direction of the one you uncovered and have tried, unsuccessfully, to prove you do not long for, she would reappear and without hesitation remind you of everything you have missed. But I know better than to ask of you what you do not know how to give.

Anything more I could say, you already know. For nothing has changed.

Affectionately,

Alice

Shit, man.

The last three entries on this blog are now songs.

One of which will be played this Friday at the show of the band I am in now.

I cannot even begin to express the magnitude of that.

Shit's workin out, man.

Shit's workin out.

Things are coming together.

I just have to keep looking down and/ or ahead.

Never behind.

So I asked Him what had gone wrong and He told me very gently,

"Darling, you simply forgot that I made you with nothing missing."

You say love's a third world country

Not a thing to do with art

Maybe that's the explanation

For your ever-starving heart

Cause the landscape's no companion

When it's so desolate and dry

That all your wandering leaves you

Barely brave enough to die

You tell me you're no lover

That I shouldn't wait for you

Well, darling I'm an awful listener

And I'm quite the watchman, too

So don't be surprised if when you

Finally come on home again

You find a candle burning

And a place to rest your head

Disheveled

So what good is all of this, anyway, if it cannot even save a life?

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

What good is comfort if it cannot save?

What good is truth if it does not heal?

What good is healing if it does not remain?

What good is anything I do if the person it spoke to is the person it could not save... or heal?

But I know that I cannot save.

And I cannot heal.

And I know the fight isn't over.

The fight is never over.

And I just know that I'm not okay with this.

I want to show up to you disheveled.

I want to throw open my mud and blood stained hands to you

as I collapse at your feet

in one utter and completely

graceless movement

shouting

"Here is all I have for you!

Do you really still want me?"

I want my tattered clothes, and matted hair

to lay all my addictions bare

To prove how, left to myself, I've completely come undone

I've lost myself inside of substances and stories, people and things

And now

Every time you try to tell me who I am

I can't remember how to hear you

I want the sweat, pouring down my face,

To prove the frustration of what I couldn't bring myself to say

That I've used and abused all that's been given to me

Then hated it for being mine

Then wanted what wasn't,

Then stole it to make it mine,

And hated it just the same

And I'm so tired of doing this every single day

But truth be told

I'm not so sure

There's any other way

I want my bruises to tell of my victories,

But my scars of my defeats

Those seemingly permanent failings

That I have changed into my name

Because those are the ones that I need so desperately redeemed

And if you are who you say you are

You said you'd clean them up for me

I want to bring to you my worst

Because I long to take you at your word

When you say the weak and wounded, poor and weary, sick and sore

Are those who are most welcome, most familiar with your door

And if that's true then I will run

With everything I have to you

It isn't much, my strength is gone, so limping will just have to do

But

First I need to know if what you're telling me is true.

Because try as I might, I just can't see

How Perfection

Could find anything that's lovely

In everything that's me

So please, I only ask one thing

And if you'll answer, then I'll know you can:

Will you just let me find my way to you

Exactly as I am?

For I want to show up to you disheveled

I want give you my defeat

So that you may even louder

Shout your victory

In me.

What fucking good is any of that, anyway, if it cannot even save a life?

Yeah, this is about right.

"there is a chance that I am wallowing. all that sounds appealing is sleeping today. from 9,10,11... all good for sleeping. I got out of bed knowing that when I got home, I could go back to sleep. it is a constant fight and I am not sure against what. but I know that I don't want to write an exeutive summary or any sort of business plan. I just want to write a letter.

You,

I hope this letter finds you well. I just wrote to say fuck you. I hope the sun is shining and the clouds are light and fluffy, and in reading this letter your day turns to shit. I hope that your eyes are soft as you follow the my sweet, sincere lines, suddenly breaking into little pieces that slide and slice down through your head, filling your ears and throat with stinging warm blood, thoroughly burning and trapping you in a moment that you already regret. You don't have a choice but to read what is written to you, right?

Fuck you. I hope you become so very familiar with the feelings that long for resolution just so the pain will stop and learn to feel all the numbing death that ensues when that which has words to heal refuses to speak."

(Letter by Lindsey Eggebrecht)

I asked a favour of you.

I told you what was important to me.

And you made your decision according to what was important to you.

On paper, it's nothing at all to be upset over.

Put plainly in black and white, I have no right to be angry.

It's just a shame that it had to be so goddamned disappointing.

And I'm only a little shocked, because I had a feeling this might be you.

I wasn't sure.

You don't get a good glimpse after this distance and time, you know?

But it was. It is. And that's the lot I've been given.

You're forgiven forever, but please leave.

This was all I needed to know.

The Creator Still Creates

Mary has been on my mind for the last few weeks. Actually, that's not quite true. She's been on my mind for the last few years. But she suddenly reappeared in the last few months, and I have slowly disappeared over the last few days. Long story short: my heart has ached for her. Partly for what I did not know, but mostly for what I did. I knew she was lost and lonely. I knew her marriage was falling apart. I knew that it was falling apart because she now needed to protect her children and herself from the man she had married in order to try and save her children and herself. And I knew that when I thought of her and how she had disappeared, my heart sank to my feet and my throat tightened.

After a four year absence, in which I constantly thought of and prayed for her, ever wondering where she had gone to and how I could find her again, suddenly her name popped up on my Facebook friend requests and it felt incredibly surreal to see her face again, even on a screen.

I was surprised that she found me. I was even more surprised that she actually remembered me. See, I have this complex where I seem to think that no one ever remembers who I am. But this isn't about me, so let's not start going down that road.

Anyway, shortly after we "reconnected", I felt myself being led into this time of silence and letting go of basically everything and everyone- where I find myself right now. Not in a dramatic or depressing way, but rather in a way that would allow me to understand the true nature of need. And freedom. And love. And trust in God. And all of the sudden, I found myself in the same position I was in 4 years ago- worried about Mary, and wondering if giving her up was even an option. She had said very little, but told me so much- mainly that she was going through an incredibly difficult time and really needed me. 

But I think as much as she thought she needed me, I may have, unfortunately, needed her more- to affirm my own insecurities by being a shoulder to cry on, to receive answers the questions that had plagued me for 4 years, to (and this is the really mind boggling part about it) really and truly be there for her, but in the most selfish of ways, where my genuine care and concern begin to fade in light of how much I just want to be seen as useful and strong by someone- ANYONE.

But I was told so clearly to walk away from EVERYONE- even the people that asked me not to or told me they needed me. So there was only silence between Mary and me for the last two weeks- until today.

Through no effort or planning of either one of us, we found ourselves in the same coffee shop earlier this afternoon- a coffee shop that I hadn't been to on my own volition in months. I had been sitting there for a few hours when I saw her walk in and yelled her name without hesitation. She yelled mine back and ran towards me. I jumped up to hug her, and she immediately started crying. Little did I know, and how could I have even known, that today was the day she signed her divorce papers.

The last time Mary and I had seen each other in person was her wedding day. Four years ago.

There is no other word to use than "purposed", and I must say that I like that word a lot better than "planned". And maybe one of the many things that this time was intended for was to remind me that I am not a Divine Creator. And that the One Who is can still be trusted to create- even to create beautiful moments like the one I had with Mary.

I had to let go of Mary to realize that I could not be what she needed. I placed her at the foot of the throne of a God who loves her and knows what she needs. And today, He knew that she needed to see me, though the does not need me. Which is why it is all the more powerful that we did not arrange this meeting- lest I begin to believe myself to actually be what she needs, and she begin to believe she actually needs me. But even still, I cannot be what she needs- HE is what she needs. He brought that moment about. He knows her heart. He can be trusted with her heart. I must believe that He can be trusted with her heart, and then be humbled when He decides to use me for His purposes in the midst of her healing process. But I have to let go FIRST in order for this to happen.

And the extra beautiful thing is that Mary also let go of me. I was not even allowed to give her the option to cling to me in the midst of her pain, but rather, I was taken from her so that she would be able to clearly see the true Healer- and not the poor shadow that I might have tried to be or she might have tried to make me. And so, I realize that as I am learning how to love people by letting them go, the people in my life are learning to do the same with me. They love me by letting me go. And this is evidenced by the fact that they respond by not responding; they give me silence when I have to ask it of them. They don't fret over me. They don't protest my decision. They pray for me as they humbly and submissively respond in love by letting me go. And so we become a powerful circle; a sincere and vulnerable community, full of grace and sacrificial love for each other; never clinging to each other, but always trusting the Creator with each other.

And so I see, once again, that this is why all things must die, in order to be resurrected as intended. When we sacrifice things, and relinquish control, we acknowledge and reaffirm Who is the actual Creator. We are no longer attempting to create or plan out our own days or destinies. The moment that Mary and I shared in the coffee shop was so readily realized as a gift- because we did nothing to make it occur. The Creator was immediately glorified in our coming together because we were so clearly brought together. Now, I won't go so far as to say that I think that this means that from now on I need to never plan anything again, and forever remain intentionally aloof from everyone I care for and love. But what I will do is go on from here and learn from this. And continue to dig down deeply into it, so as to discover more and more truths about this God that just is Love, Himself.

But as for right now, I have come to see, very very clearly, that THIS is why I cannot need anything or anyone more than I trust Him. Because I have not been made to. My heart was built to continually recognize the beauty of the way He has created and still continues to create. If only I will let go enough to allow Him to do so...

Look on me with Love

So, I have this really kickass blog post stuck in the draft stage right now.

Because I have no idea how to say what I want to say in it.

It's all deep and spiritual and full of big words and large concepts about love and freedom. It is EXACTLY what is going on in my heart these days, but again, like I've said before. for some reason the Lord has not let those things reach my head yet. Because once they're there, they're out through my mouth or my fingertips. And they still need to be refined in the furnace of my soul before they can be released to the world.

...Most likely because everything I think is so very right, right at this very moment, is going to be shown to me as foolish over time. Because that's how these things usually work. I'm so ready to talk about everything I think I know, when really, I know very little.

So I should probably just start in a place where I am writing about what I know that I know.

Here's what I know:

I know that in my DWI class last night, I struck up a conversation with a woman about human trafficking. She told me her 16 year old daughter is passionate about it and wants to learn more. I gave her my number so I could have coffee with her daughter soon.

I know that there is redemption in mistakes.

I know that the other night, I sat in my ex-boyfriend's car and explained to him as best as I could about the calling that I feel has been placed on my life, and how I have been consecrated for the Lord.

I know that there is deeper love promised to me than I have ever thought I deserved.

I know that about a week ago at work, I felt drawn to a group of girls who were practicing songs on the front patio. I went outside and asked them if I could worship with them. They're at youth camp this week. I told them I would pray for them while they were there. Leah came into work the day before they left to give me a present Sammy had made me. I had only sat with these girls for 10 minutes. Leah told me they're going to come back every Thursday to have their Bible Study in my store.

I know that the Lord doesn't even need 10 minutes to make His presence known.

There's so much more, but I don't feel like I can continue right now.

Because if there is one thing I have learned over these past few weeks it is that my Beloved is pleased with me at all times- I don't have to be doing anything to please Him for Him to look on me with great pleasure and deep love. As He always does.

And right now, I need to do nothing but let Him look on me with love.

Beloved, I invite You to look on me with love.

And I will sit still.

Because I cannot please You more than I do right now.