Monday, August 10, 2009


Chain smoking for dinner
The acid burns my tongue
And turns it into a rudder that I can no longer steer.

I'm here alone with just explosions in the sky.
Unable to decipher thunder from the train,
and I am glad.

The view of what my life has become almost takes my breath away.
The beauty and exhaustion mix
and swell
and take me under
to where the wind is not so strong.
And where I don't have to worry about wether I will walk or crawl.
Because both are movement...
Further from where I was before.

I want this storm to cover me.
I want this rain to wash me clean.
Heavens, release your humid air and let your change come down.
Fall, fall, fall,
so that I don't have to anymore.

The truth now has been seen and sent,
but not yet spoken, never uttered
and it makes me wonder if it will always be this way.

I'm peeking in your windows and I hope that you don't mind.
It's all I've got these days, to be honest.
That, and my endless search of what settles me,
how I'm supposed to breathe again and what difference that really makes anyway when you're breathing so far away from me and you wanted it that way.

But this isn't about you at all.
It never has been, believe it or not.
I'm still trying.
When does this repetition cease?
When will I learn that scattering pieces isn't wise when there's no one there to seek them out and put them back where they belong and I don't have the strength to anymore?
When will I learn that silence isn't something to fear?
When will I know myself to be all that I feel I am?
The thing that others see in me.
The thing that I am made to be.

Freedom is on the horizon.
I can sense its awakening in every step towards home.
Maybe all this aimless wandering isn't aimless after all.
I think I was meant to find something greater than I expected and have ever held before.
From this point of misdirection and completion.
The first sign of life after this coma.

I will be whole again.
I will be whole again.
I am whole again.
I was never any less.