Thursday, January 29, 2009


I read the most beautiful story of redemption written by a dear friend and kindred soul that I am so very lucky to have in my life.

It brought me to tears with the reminder of my Abba's love.

Immediately after I finished it, I received a text from one of the people that knows me best in this whole world: my best friend.

It said, "I hope today is beautiful."

Oh, glorious timing.

You make all things new!
You make all things new!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Your grace is sufficient.

And Your words are true.

Monday, January 26, 2009



Everything... and I mean EVERYTHING about today has been sublimely perfect!

Thank you Jesus for just being YOU!

I love you!!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

It is 45 degrees at 1:38am on the 24th of January.
And I don't know who I am.

I read something
It's about a year ago, now.
It leads me back again to The Threshing Floor.

And I reach for the Truth again that I had neglected to the corner.
The same as I had the other day.
Half-hearted, seeking what I do not know.

And as my fingers graze it's pages... my eyes fill.
My throat swells.
The tears brim.

I have missed you, Darling.
I have longed for you, Beloved.
Where have you gone?
Come home to me again.
Come back and I will show you all that you are seeking.
Come back and I will give you all you need.
Come back and I will take you as you are.

Oh, Shepherd, Grace, for I am Much-Afraid!
I am Lutte who waits at the Well.
I am Gomer who runs away.
I am she who does not trust...
I am she who will not give...
I am she who cannot listen...

And yet, I am she who knows.

Please capture them.
Captivate them.
Do not let them go far from you again.
For in them, is where it begins...
They are the root, they are the cause.
And the sorry state of my heart is their effect.

This wandering.
This wondering.
This wrenching from within.

All I did was reach.
All I did was touch and it was restored.
All I did was desire.
I began to desire.
I begin to desire.
I feel it, even now...

"When I choose to stare it in the face,
It changes shape and form.
It transforms into something much much deeper.
Much bigger than myself.
Something that is ingrained.
Something so deep that it can only be there because it is meant to be quenched-
But not on this side.
Not here, not now.
It permeates everything I do.
It shows itself to me in the strangest of places.
It calls, it cries, it lingers and whispers around every corner.
In every eye, every face, every number that is a name.
In everything I find so easy to ignore when I do not listen.
When I choose to forget that I was made to reimagine.
It is loaded, yet simple.
So easily misunderstood and misplaced.
It is purposed and necessary.
Universal, specific, and true.
It is found on the threshing floor.
It is found on the threshing floor.
It is found on the threshing floor.

I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone-
Which is the irony spoken of so many times
By so many others.
It is worth all that I have and all that I am.
Or rather, all that I do not have.
Because it is not mine.

Why pretend that anything I hold has the same destination as me?
I am convinced that one of the worst things about the Curse is that we have such a narrow view of Completion and all that it means.

What if, what if, what if?
But why?

Look. See. Know.
No more is there only death to be found in death.
Is that not reason enough for me?
Is that not all there is to love?
Is that not worth it all?

To Seek the Kingdom.
To Bring the Kingdom.

It is found on the Threshing Floor.
It is found on the Threshing Floor.
It is found on the Threshing Floor."

"Hey there, Jamie. What's it like in New York City?"

"It's lonely, mostly. But I'm sure all will be well in time..."

"Why is it lonely? All those people there..."

"There's lots of bodies, and yet so few souls. So it seems. I miss knowing people's souls."

I do.
I really do.

All these bodies.
And I'm just another.
A body... slowly feeling the loss of it's soul...


Thursday, January 15, 2009


I'm getting there...

I promise.

I'm feeling like myself again.
More than ever.
At least more than the last year has allowed me to.
It's interesting.
I'm unsure of exactly where it came from.

Maybe from manning up and deciding to change what I can, and learning to love what I can't.
Also, remembering that I'm in no hurry.
At all.
And being okay with just letting things be.
Letting them occur how they will.

Forced things aren't nearly as beautiful.

(I love The Cure.)

My days are beautiful... and sometimes I forget.
A little winter bike ride heals everything.

(My laundry is done... I will return shortly...)

I lied.
That wasn't shortly.
That was about 4 hours.

Don't worry... it wasn't just laundry.

I'm in the mood to read a lot of Virginia Woolf.
I'm also in the mood to write.
I mean, really write.

I really haven't done that in a while.

I'm glad I moved to New York City in the winter... because I know if I can get through this, I can get through anything this city has to throw at me.
Plus, I've heard that spring and summer are really something to look forward to.
I'm glad that this place will really start feeling like home once those lovely seasons roll around.

I have faith that it will.
I know that it will.

These things take time.
All things take time.
And this process really is beautiful.

I would choose no other life for myself.

This is the one I've always wanted, and were I expect it to not be difficult at moments, I would be a fool.

All things in time.
All will be well.

I am content.

Monday, January 12, 2009


My heart hurts.

A lot.

Today I am feeling:

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


My dreams have been incredibly vivid and incredibly realistic recently.

The other night, I had one in which someone very important to me in my life died... and when I woke up, the incredibly awful sinking feeling that the "dream me" had, still remained.
It has been a few days, and at moments, it returns and is difficult to shake.

Just last night I had a dream in which I harshly confronted a man for looking at me and speaking to me in an inappropriate, sexual manner. I don't know who this person is or where we were, but I know that I let him have it... and I held nothing back. I know we were in a public place and apparently, there were people with me that I knew, even though I can't tell you who they were.
I do know that I got right up into his face and began reprimanding him... telling him that it is absolutely NEVER appropriate for a man to speak to or look at a woman in the way that he just had to me... and that I was not going to stand for it. I continued on and gave a sort of speech, of which I can remember a good deal of. By the end of it, I was screaming and sobbing, while yelling about the women that I dearly love and fight for who are enslaved in brothels around the globe. The last thing I remember is the look on the man's face as I told him of the three year old girls who are kidnapped, raped for their virginity, "restiched", and raped for the "same virginity" again and again as my companions restrained me and pulled me away. The man looked truly horrified and just as his eye's began to fill with tears, I woke up.
Probably because of the sound of my own screaming in my head.

I don't know exactly what to make of these... especially that last dream... other than that when I feel something and believe in something, I feel it and believe it completely. Even unconsciously.

Also, that I wish that the person involved in dream number one would leave my dreams alone.
They have been in almost every single one I have had recently, and it's starting to make me feel funny.

Sometimes, I forget how incredibly good it feels to spend long periods of time alone. To be honest, the thought of it scares me more often than not, and I'm not exactly sure why. I enjoy it so very much when I have it... you would think that maybe I would be able to remind myself of this every now and then.
But no matter- it is truly good when it is here.
I feel as though I understand myself and what I am capable of, worthy of, and meant for so much better. Every time I am alone, the world starts to look much brighter and more beautiful than it did in the days before when I found myself clamoring to be around people constantly as some sort of escape.
I really don't know if I will ever figure out what it is that I am escaping from. What it is that I am so incredibly afraid of.
Maybe in order to do so, I have to spend much more time alone.

Maybe it is about time for that mountain climb...

There is something about mountains for me. I can't explain it. And I know that to most "normal" people, it sounds crazy every single time I talk about it. Especially because of what happens to me when I do talk about it. My heart races and you can hear it in my voice as I start to talk faster and louder. As I speak, my hands flail wildly (even more so than usual, believe it or not) and sometimes, if you're lucky, I may even jump around a little bit... okay, a lot.
While flying back to NYC from LA, I flew over the Rockies, and couldn't stop staring at them. This feeling rose up in me and I began to cry. I have to climb them. I have to climb so many more.
I think I have finally figured out when and where this started for me. It had to have been Wli. It's the only answer that makes sense. And I'm pretty sure I can even pinpoint the exact moment it happened as well...
Coming up over the ridge... the first real gaze at the Upper Falls, after not seeing them for about 2 hours and only seeing them from a hazy distance prior to that. Our guide had told us of the magnitude of this moment- the sight, the thundering sound, the scale, the overwhelming beauty of it all- but Charles' words did not accurately prepare me for what I found and what it did to me when I found it.

I remember coming up over the ridge and instantly choking back a sob. I was directly behind Charles, in the front of our group of about 15, and when I saw it, I froze. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't speak. My head had no idea what thoughts to even begin to have. This was the only time in my life that I remember my tears feeling like a natural reflex rather than an emotional response- kind of like when your doctor hits that part of your knee and your leg jolts up. There was no other reaction to have. I didn't even think or feel them into being- they just were. They just existed.
And I just stood there and stared. And just was. Just existed.

I think I could have stayed there forever.

Maybe it's the feeling of accomplishment. Maybe it's the achievement of "Do that which you think you cannot". Maybe it's knowing that I am in a place that only a select certain few will ever be in throughout history.

Whatever it is, it changed my life. And I am addicted.
Sometimes it lays dormant... but it only takes a little bit of activity to resurrect it.
People wonder why I love working out so much...
...I kind of pretend I am climbing a mountain.
Yes, every time (which is also why I love elliptical machines).
And get me actually out of doors hiking... and it's ALL over.
Something in me snaps and I just go.
My heart races, my endorphins are released, and my legs move faster than I ever thought possible.
I am pretty much always in the front of any group that I hike or climb with. Not because of any sort of arrogant reason, I assure you, but only because I don't know how to tell my body to slow or stop.
And even if I did... I would never want to.

Anyway, this is enough for now.
I was delighted to discover the most incredible, literally life-changing music earlier at Grounded and I want to paint to it. Really badly.
So I'm going to.

Oh, and I can't tell you whose music it is... I need to keep it a secret for at least a little while longer. And just relish in it... thinking that it is all my own.

Today was long overdue.
And it was beautiful.
I am excited to have a full apartment this extended weekend with 4 beautiful and inspiring visitors, but being alone was lovely.
Lovelier than I had remembered and lovelier than I expected.

I think I shall do it more often.