Sometimes, I just need to not be found.

More often than not, I have no idea what I am talking about.

More often than not, I don't have the first clue how to reach the solutions that I dream of.

More often than not, I can't fully explain why I think the things that I think or do the things that I do.

At this moment in time, I don't have much else to say other than that.

Stand by.

For someone who makes their living by expressing themselves, you sure have a hard time saying what you mean.

What constant pressure you must be under, trying to make this worth everything you walked away from for it.

What crippling anxiety you must feel at moments, should you start to doubt your own abilities.

What strength you must possess to have decided to walk away in the first place- towards something so unsure- and make it what you decided it would be.

No wonder I see such a fierceness in you.

No wonder it flashes with such intensity when I least expect it.

No wonder your soul is so sensitive.

I feel as though I have known this all along, without really knowing.

Without even really knowing you.

You have the most expressive eyes I have ever seen and I wish you knew how much I notice them.

Is that why you hide them so often?

There is a gentleness in you that cannot be contained or hidden.

And you fear it.

Simply because you don't know who to show it to.

So instead, you have decided to regularly hide in corners and bury yourself under what you have married yourself to.

For you, there is no backup plan.

There is no escape route.

What were you thinking of when you closed your eyes?

Do you see what I see, darling?

Will you even let me see it?

I want you to know that if you were to rip yourself open in front of me, I would hold what you show ever so gently.

And I would not let go.

I promise you.

I would not let go.

I feel as though I have been bombarded with a lot over these past few days.

I find myself tempted to say that it's too much for me to process, but I know that's not true.

It actually can't be true.

Because if something has been handed to me, it is because I am intended to do something with it.

This is one of two things.

And I am so very unsure of which one.

It is either a purposed time of escape laid out for me to confront some very necessary evils within me in order to heal them

or

It is the first glance out of this waiting room, the first steps towards what I have been waiting for for so long.

And even as I wrote the latter, my heart leaps within me at the possibility and potential of it.

My teeth tingle.

My breath quickens.

My pulse races.

All in anticipation.

And then I remember that I have felt this before.

And the questions that are raised are the very same questions I have asked before.

And have had answered before.

Many times over.

So I'm not sure what reason I have exactly to doubt.

The truth is, I don't have one.

At all.

But while this may be good and lovely, the question I must ask is:

Is it right?

Is it right?

Show me what is right.

I have been waiting for this for a long, long time, but that's not anything that You don't already know.

Could this be it?

Maybe?

Though I may desire for it to be so, don't let me only hear what I desire.

Let me hear what you have to say.

I am listening.

...

I'm sitting on a couch that I laid eyes on for the first time one week ago, reading your letter to someone I just met for the first time one week ago.

I am sitting on this couch, reading your letter to that someone that I just found out was instrumental in your being able to write that letter in the first place.

I am sitting on this couch, telling the tale of your healing, of our healing, to someone that had been listening to you tell of how badly you wanted that healing all along.

I am sitting next to, laughing with, joking with, staying with, sharing pieces of myself with, someone who had been watching you and caring for you the entire time I couldn't see you and it was killing me.

Your healing had absolutely nothing to do with me.

And for that, I am so very glad. 

My week here hasn't even REALLY started, and my own healing has already begun.

I had no idea why You told me to stay, but I think there is way more to this than I ever could have imagined.

And I am ready.

Solitude

I don't know if I have ever longed for solitude this badly before.

Ever.

It's about that time to disappear.

And disappear with You.

"Come now, my love. My lovely one, come.

For you, the winter has passed, the snows are over and gone, the flowers appear in the land, the season of joyful songs has come.

The cooing of the turtledove is heard in our land.

Come now, my love, My lovely one, come.

Let me see your face. And let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet and your face is beautiful.

Come now, my love. My lovely one, come."

Kingdom Come

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; 
       he rises to show you compassion. 
       For the LORD is a God of justice. 
       Blessed are all who wait for him!"

"he will swallow up death forever. 
       The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears 
       from all faces; 
       he will remove the disgrace of his people 
       from all the earth. 
       The LORD has spoken.

 ⁹ In that day they will say, 
       'Surely this is our God; 
       we trusted in him, and he saved us. 
       This is the LORD, we trusted in him; 
       let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.'"

What I wait FOR, I wait BY.

Kingdom Come.

Tell me...

What have I traded You for this time?

So here's to movement...

Sometimes, but only sometimes, I just can't help but think about the fact that soon, you will be slipping a ring onto a finger that isn't mine...


Darling, do you think that's why I keep running?
Do you think that's why I keep looking for this thing I have such a hard time defining?
Do you think that's why I desire for what you showed me to be a part of my life?

Because I thought it would be a part of ours.

But now, it will be yours.
And hers.
Together.


And because of that, even when I think about calling it "mine", it still feels as if I've come up short.



Will any of this ever be home without you?
Will I ever know home without you?

Well, if I never find "home", I never have to face those questions.


So here's to movement...
My blessing and my curse....


And I'll try my hardest not to miss you.

A Reminder

What has shaped the way I think about change?
The straight, unfiltered, untampered, difficult words of Jesus himself and not what I have always thought they were. Not my preconceived ideas. Not my childhood church's rhetoric. Not the politics of any man.
Just Him. And His heart. And how loudly it speaks to mine.

I care for them because He cares for them and I know He is who He says He is.
I know that I know that I know that His words must be obeyed... not out of any guilt or obligation. But rather because they contain life. They give freedom. Because they are the only way for me to live. Because through them alone can I make sense of myself. Because they are my only hope and the only hope I have to offer the hopeless. Because they have been tested and have come forth as true. Because they resonate deep within my spirit as that binding tie that of all humanity is searching for. Because they settle my soul and welcome me home. Because they pursue me gently when I run away. Because they inspire me passionately when I am stagnant. Because they make me feel. Because they make me sincere. Because they make me alive.