Thursday, April 22, 2010

Good, Better, Best.


"It's still good to have options"

Looks like I'm running again.

But this time, it's not REALLY because I'm scared.
Even though I kind of am.
It's because the clear knowledge of what I want is way too overwhelming to place in the hands of uncertainty.

So I'd rather just try and forget it instead and stick to my list.

But it's been in the back of my mind this long, even as I've been crossing things off.

Something tells me it's going to be there for a while.

I don't think I'm going to be escaping this one any time soon.
And that's just fine with me.

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.  I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

And this is where I sit.

But should you come and sit with me, I don't think I would mind watching certain figs wither and die nearly as much.
Because it's entirely possible that it has taken me this long to decide, simply because I didn't know the right one was there- until you showed me.
And I can only reach it if we reach together.

So I will wait.
Until you come and sit with me.

Come and sit with me.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

"...And I need you to hold me sweetly
Promise me carefully
Speak to me delicately
Carry me gently
Because my eyes have lost their light
And if you insist on seeing it there, you will have to go and fetch it back
Recover it yourself
Because here is me
And you will take me as I am, or you will get nothing at all..."


One starts to go, and it's a slippery slope.

My heart can't seem to do a single thing right these days.

And I don't know how to make it stop.

Monday, April 12, 2010

This time,
I did not leave a body in my wake.

My darling, you have drowned yourself instead.

I have been greatly deceived.

But all will be well.

"I will be whole again
I will be whole again
I am whole again
I was never any less"

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Coincidence? I think not.

Fusion, fusion, everywhere...
It cannot be ignored.

What's happening?

It's kinda weirding me out.
It a real good way.

In other news: I am being continually harassed by an 18 year old girl in Thailand.
I wish I were kidding/ exaggerating about this.
I'm talking serious emotional damage here, kids.


I don't expect anyone to be an expert on a subject like this.
Should I come out of this with my sanity still in tact, should this ever happen to anyone else down the road (...what are the odds?), I will hopefully know how to effectively coach them through it.

The cat living here in my dad's house always looks so goddamn suspicious of me.

What gives, world?

Allllllright then.
I think it's clear that I need to go to bed now.

The end.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Nothing bad has ever come from slowing down and taking more time.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I can hardly even contain how good this is all getting.

"Happy" doesn't cut it anymore.

I am positively ecstatic about life.

Monday, April 5, 2010


There was a moment that occurred today in which I had a very real and clear observation about something.

Nothing will ever ever ever be able to replace "home" and the people, places, moments, and memories that make it such.

St. Louis, I love you.
And I am so very glad to be kicking my feet up and staying a while.

I am inexpressibly happy to be here.
I am inexpressibly content with life.
I am inexpressibly thankful for so much.

The last few days have had me feeling incredibly nostalgic for phases in life and the people that occupied them. Not in a sad way, though, but in a way that adores being able to look back and see just how much I have grown.
And how much has come to me that was completely unexpected.
And it's still happening.

There is newness everywhere.
Why have I refused to see?

Because all of life is about renewal.
All things being made new.

It was Easter today- I feel rather strange about this being afterthought- but though my day was completely different from a typical Easter, I felt renewal in every inch of my being. From the sun on my skin all day long, to the redeeming conversations that occurred over and over, and everything in between. We communed on a blanket on Art Hill. We talked of shark-shaped kites, Viking metal bands, different kinds of meat, and we talked about the Lord.
People came and went.
We saw the sun set.
We were at peace.

There is newness everywhere.
Why have I refused to see?

I will never know what is around the next corner.
So why fret over it until it arrives?
Why even attempt to imagine it in the meantime?
More often than not, that is nothing more than selling myself short through fear.

I am learning.
I promise, I am learning.
There are many who are helping.
And I am so much more thankful for them than I could ever even hope to express.

They are opening my eyes and healing my heart.

There is newness everywhere.
And I refuse to live without it any longer.

"'Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.'

'I should have called it
Something you somehow haven't to deserve.'"

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Someday, this all might just kick me in my own ass...


Today is not that day.

Not even close. :)

Friday, April 2, 2010

...I'm not sure what to do with what just happened.

My legs feel numb.

My thoughts are stagnant.

It really wasn't even that big of a deal.
Which is why it bothers me so much that it bothers me so much.

Because actually, it was a big deal.

Maybe it was just the witnessing of the sheer physical violence aspect of it.
Maybe it was the fact that it all just seemed so pointless in it's hateful nature.
Or maybe it was the knowledge that it was cause purely and only because I am a woman.

And for the first time in my life, as least as far back as I can remember, someone other than ME decided that I shouldn't be talked to that way.
And actually did something about it.
Actually said something about it.
Actually took a punch for it.

Flashes of that doorstep in Brooklyn.

And what kind of difference may have been made had someone spoken up and stood up to HIM in the past.
Before he ever crossed my path.

Maybe, just maybe, I could have been spared.

...Maybe someone else just was.

I need to stop typing now.
My head hurts and my eyes are to full of water to make out the letters on my keyboard anymore.
I need to stop thinking now.