Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Do you ever wish that you were wired for it? That you were one of the ones who were programmed to achieve it? I mean, we take what we're given and we're happy. And don't get me wrong, I am. At moments. At times. When my options are plenty and my cup is full. When I am surrounded. When it's my choice. When it's my call. When I embrace the fact that this is what I was designed to be. But then there are those moments when you're in silence, alone, and it feels like all the others have a someone to sit with. A someone to stare at. Someone who makes time move. Those are the ones who are built that way and you musn't forget. That what is theirs is not yours, but similarly, what is yours can now never be theirs. They have made their choice... if one can even call it such. They did what they were trained to do. And more than likely they're thinking the exact same thing you are... only on the other side. So really, what can be done? You always god with what you're given. You play with the hand you're dealt. There is no other option than that. It's what has been decided for you by forces you cannot begin to understand. For reasons you may never know. So all you can do is just continue on. Just keep doing what you know... the only thing you know... and search. Search, not until you've found the answers, but until you've run out of time. Because you never will. You will never find them. You were not made to. You were designed to own the questions alone... nothing more. You were programmed to move from one to the next to the next to the next and on and on and on until your efforts are exhausted. But do not give up hope for yours isn't the short end of the stick. It is rather the more wondrous path. Full of options, discovery, and feeling. Void of the illusion of safety and settlement. Defined by embrace and validated by wonder. Yours is the path of inclusion and beauty. So rest assured, wanderer, you shall be defined by something more. And though you may not ever finish, you shall discover... time and time again. You shall discover all that is kept secret and you shall learn to whisper it into the winds of change.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I feel as though I've been passed around one too many times.

In more ways than one.

Never settling.
Never settled.

And though it is what I yearn for in every single way...
It's what swallows me whole as well.

Where does the walking away end?
Where does the running stop?
Is there even a finish line to be seen?

I miss you, but I have no idea who you are anymore.
Or why silence makes me feel this way.
Water is rising and my head sinks beneath.
But the racing feeling it gives my heart has become addicting.
Among other things.
None of them good for me.
So they tell me.

So they tell me...
To stop.
Slow down.
Float above.
Come back.


I'm not even sure I know how to do that anymore.

Without you.

Who the hell are you, anyway?
I've made my choice.
And no, I'm not naive.
I'm thinking clearer than I ever have.
And I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
It's just that I feel like you've become so clouded to me.
So wrapped up in other people's assumptions,
That I can't even see your outline through their fog.
I miss who I thought you were and
I miss who I've never known you are.
So, you have to understand that I have to do this.
I have to leave for a little while
Because I know that you won't.
You never will.
You've told me countless times and you always keep your word.
Don't you understand that I need this?
I just have to know.
I feel... but I have to know.
Just as I've always felt.
But that's just not good enough for me anymore.
I can't keep listening in the same way I always have.
I can't keep hearing only the things I'm told to hear.
I don't know anything that is true but you.
But I have to find out who that is.
Hands off the reigns, once and for all.
Just let me do what I do best...
and walk away.