Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm Leaving New York and Moving to Tibet (With a Couple Steps in Between)




That about sums it up, now doesn't it?

But I'll expound.

But first, I'll say this:

I am leaving in 3 weeks.

And would you really expect anything less from me? ;)

I mean, when I CAME to NYC, I only gave you 4 weeks notice.

So there that is.

In light of some recent events and happenings, combined with close to lifelong dreams that are making my feet itch, combined with news of dear friends relocating to far off places and inviting me to join them... this quick decision has been made.

I've been in New York City for well over a year now, and it's been amazing. More than I ever could have imagined or dreamed. I know that it is no small thing that years from now, no matter where life takes me, I will be able to say that when I was only 20 years old, I picked up and moved to one of the biggest, harshest cities on earth for no other reason than that it exists. Also, I know that it is no small thing that years from now, no matter where life takes me, I will able to say that when I was 21 years old, I was a part of the creation of a global non-profit that is responsible for the rescue and renewal of lives for countless of women around the world.

No small thing at all.

I have also met some of the most incredible human beings on the planet here in this city... in passing as well as in the sense of building deep and lasting friendships- some of which I know will absolutely not change over distance and time. No matter what.

But the fact of the matter is, is that I have been in New York City for well over a year now, and I am not ready to settle down yet. Not even close. I am only 21 years old and there is so much of the world left that is calling my name. It's there to see and mine for the taking, and should I not reach out and take it, I would never be truly content.

More importantly, there is something that I have, for years and years, known that I've needed to do. We all have those things on our lists to do or accomplish or gain, and for me, it is Kilimanjaro. Sounds ridiculous, maybe, but it's true. After climbing my first mountain in Africa, I've been hooked. If you know me at all, you already know this. On top of that, there have been many things that have made me miss living in Africa very much and living with Mercy Ships even more. On top of THAT, some dear friends of mine from that time in Africa are moving to Tibet in August to live in the Himalayas for the next 10-15 years and have told me to come whenever for however long I'd like.

Anyway, without making this much longer than it needs to be, I've made the decision to move myself back to St. Louis for the next year in order to prepare for the travels I will begin after my brother's wedding sometime early in 2011. The plan is to return to Africa with Mercy Ships for however long it feels right to do so, and then head to Tanzania after I feel it is time to leave. In Tanzania, I will climb Kilimanjaro and then make my way to Tibet to live with Ben and Rosie in the Himalayas until, once again, I feel it is time to go.

There is no time frame on this journey- I'm not setting one. I am going into this with no expectations of what will happen when or what I will do after it's done. This could be anywhere from a few months to a few years. I just don't know. And I like it that way. :)

I realize this all sounds ridiculous. But I'm ridiculous. And as my dear friend Lindsey pointed out when I told her of these plans about a month ago, "You've never once said you were going to do something and not done it." And if you ask me, that's a pretty damn amazing thing to be able to claim as true for yourself- and have it observed by others in your life.

So here it is.

I'm saying it.

Guess that means I have to do it now, huh?

STL, I will see you January 21-28.

NYC, I will be saying my goodbyes to you on the 21st, and then returning briefly with my dad to gather my belongings and move them back to STL around the 28th and 29th.

Minneapolis, I will be hanging out with you for the month of February.

And STL, I'll be back to stay for the long haul sometime in March.

Until leaving the United States until further notice in 2011.

It's good to be alive.

Those of you in NYC, please let me know when I can see you before I go.

I will do all that I can to make time for you.

Those of you in STL- Get excited!

I love you all.

Your Wandering Gypsy Friend,


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

They Always Go Again

This is from way back in September 2007
But in light of recent events and recent restorations,
I feel it's time to give it some air.
I am in love with this piece now.
Thank you, Jesus.
It's all over now. :)

It's just another one of those nights
I have grown quite accostomed to them by now, you know
They keep me company on occasion
Like an old friend who just drops in unannounced every so often
Bringing with him stories and memories and emotions that he doesnt bother to take with him when he goes again
Just like he always does.
He always goes again.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm okay.
Really, I am.
I smile and laugh much more than you might think.
And I am truly so content that it is almost uncanny.
But the thing is though, that every now and then, I remember your eyes.
And I swear to you, as crazy as it may sound, I can sometimes hear your voice.
And it calls my heart to it so distinctly and directly...
And wouldn't you know it?
That little heart of mine just drops everything and runs fast and hard straight on until morning!
But really, can you blame that silly little heart of mine?
It was trained so well.
So well.
And you cant really expect it to forget all of that quite so soon, can you?

But back to those eyes.
Oh, goodness, those eyes.
They scared the shit out of me.
Still do.
But now, it's because I am afraid they will never scare me in that good way again.
But you know what I loved the most?
When they were the scared ones.
That was when they were the most beautiful.
Which reminds me...
How did you get them to be so blue, anyway?
How did you get them to be so honest?

I want you to know that it was never difficult caring for you.
I know you always thought so, but you thought wrong.
When I said "I like you just the way you are", I meant it
I still mean it.
And I mean it in the most literal sense possible.
"Just the way you are"
Including where you are.
Even though it hurts a little more.
Know why?
Because once you left, your heart came alive.
And it was the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long long time.

Sometimes I wish for too many things.
I know, I know, hard to believe right?
Shut up, smart ass, and listen.
Sometimes I wish for too many things.
But it is absolutely necessary for you to understand something, alright?
So listen close because it is important.
I want you to know that If I could...
I wouldn't.
I'm serious.
I really wouldn't wish to change a thing.
And trust me, I cant even believe that I am saying this either.
But it's true!
Does it hurt?
Ha. Fuck. Yes. BUT.
I love you too damn much to start thinking that either one of us would be better off if you were here.

So, please, I am going to have to ask you to just kindly disregard the fact that I'm crying.
It just kind of happens from time to time.
Nothing to get worked up over, really.
Nothing to worry about, nothing to see.
Because like I said, it's just one of those nights, that's all.
I swear, they just come out of nowhere!
Sneaky little devils.
But we have an understanding.
They only stay for a little while, make their mess, and then, just as quickly as they came, they are on their way again.
Just like they always do.
They always go again.

Would it be too much for me to tell you that I miss you?
Because I do.
A whole lot.
I feel like you should probably know that.
And you should probably know that I am so very excited for you, too.
For everything!
I cannot wait to see what you and Jesus do together next.
Man, you love Him so much.
It is so inspiring.
You are inspiring.
You are a miracle.
I am continually fascinated by you.
Take the compliment.
I know it makes you uncomfortable, but take it anyway.
And just give credit Where credit is due.

Thank you for choosing obedience over easy.
Thank you for choosing "right" over me.
It would have broken my heart to pieces if you hadn't.
Thank you for just being you.

I hope I get to hug you soon.
It would be lovely.
If you want to know a secret, I am constantly praying for God to make everything lovely for you.
No matter what it is you are doing.
Even when you're sleeping.
In fact, you're probably sleeping right now, considering it is almost two in the morning where you are.
I hope the dream you are having right now is lovely.
I hope the temperature in your room is just right for you to feel comfortable
And that you finally got a decent pillow to sleep on.
I hope that those hooligan neighbors of yours are not making too much noise
And that the light that comes through your window in the morning doesn't do that annoying thing where it shines directly into your eyes making it impossible to stay asleep for as long as you would like to.
I hope it shines in that way that makes everything ordinary look magical.

I hope that lots and lots of small little lovely things happen to you tomorrow.
Like a cool breeze that comes out of nowhere the exact moment that you realize you are a little too warm than you would like to be.
(I heard it has been hot up there these past few days.)
Or seeing an exceptionally beautiful sunset.
You always notice things like that.
It is one of my favourite things about you.
But trust me, there's many more.

Anyway, I think it is about time for this night to be over.
It wasn't so bad this time, actually.
They are slowly and steadily becoming nicer to me when they decide to visit.
Or maybe I am just learning to enjoy their company more.
They really aren't so bad, come to think of it.
They never stay long.
Just long enough to make me think about you.
But I don't mind much.
Because when I get to think about you, I get to pray for you.
And I am so glad to be able to.

The thought of your joy makes me smile.
I pray it fills your heart.
Peace, too.
I love you, really I do.
And don't worry, there is plenty more where this came from.
Give it time and I will have even more things to say.
Maybe someday, I can actually say them to you.
Until then, goodnight, you.
I have high hopes for tomorrow.
I think this one's gonna be good...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


I'll admit you stole my sleep
But I woke up to a new world
One in which we are finally able to have each other as intended
Embracing the destruction of us both
And knowing once and for all that we were wrong
And that is all.

There is no blame to pass
Only freedom to enjoy
And I am walking differently now
Taller, past those places where you had held me close
Slower, through the things we built together
No longer too afraid to look at them for what they are:
Beautiful. Temporal. Real.
And how could we have ever really known?

And now that you have come through your darkness, I know why you would not let me walk beside
The truth is that I've never anything but loved you deeply
I want nothing less than the utmost of happiness for you always
That is what my love must mean
For now I know it will not be with me.

My waiting room has caught afire
And the smoke is not worth breathing in
Newer grounds will come from this wreckage
And beauty will overtake these ashes before my eyes
So finally, I will take my leave
And remove your heart from mine

Make no mistake, the sun is high
And I will never be the same.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Quit You

I miss you

But I don't

Because I don't really miss you

I miss what I wanted you, so badly, to be

I miss the glimpses

I miss the way you held me

I miss the way it felt when you knew exactly what to say

What to do

How to look at me

And I want you to hold me again

I feel as though I'm bubbling over

With just how much I want you here again

But I know it wouldn't be honest

It wouldn't be true

It wouldn't be real

Because it never was

But even still, I hope

That maybe there were moments

When you really meant the things you said

And you really cared the way you said you did

Why do I keep checking in on you

Why do I keep wondering how you are

Why do I keep hoping you're okay

That you don't let the things I said settle too deeply

Or begin to define you

Because while I meant them, I know you never meant to

And if I'm truly honest with myself, I know you cared as much as me

You just didn't know how to show it

But it's so much safer to call it all a lie

But again, I find myself here

At this crossroads

Of knowing exactly what it is I want

But knowing that it's exactly what you could not give

It's unfair for you to show me pieces of what you're capable of

And never follow through

I want to tell you

I want to see you

I want to touch you

But I won't

I shouldn't

And anyway, I can't

You left

And there's nothing more that I can do

I don't know how to forgive you like I want to

I don't know how to forget you like I need to

I don't know how to quit you

At all

I don't want to quit you

At all

I don't know if I will quit you

At all

But I must

Because it seems as though you quit me

A long time ago

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Please Call Me By My True Names

There has been much to think about recently.
Therefore, there is much to write about.
Where should I even start?

How about the response to my last post...
Redemptive, to say the least.
I honestly don't know if I could put it into words accurately enough.
All I have is "Thank you".
From the absolute bottom of my heart.
Thank you to everyone that read and responded and even passed it along.
You have no idea how healing your actions were- done in response to my action of speaking up.

I feel older than I did a week ago.
Saying I feel like a "different person" would be inaccurate because I feel like the exact same person, just further along.
This is what life is supposed to feel like, isn't it?
Constant growth.
It's just that I allow myself to be distracted so easily that I allow that growth to be stunted.
By things that aren't necessarily "bad"; there is just no life in them.
That is something I have been evaluating a lot recently:
What has life in it?
What has death in it?

I wrote this in an email earlier today as part of a back and forth discussion between myself and a fellow Nomian on C.S. Lewis' essay "The Weight of Glory":
"...The one thing I do want to touch on is the mistake of calling those things "fun". Because though they look like it, they lead to death. And I remember hearing that as a child and thinking, "Sure. Death. Right. Because sin is why we go to hell. That's what that means." No. No no no. That is not at ALL what that means. Death means death. In every sense of the word. It means not being fully alive. And that doesn't just mean when your heart stops beating and your mind powers down. You can be full of death whilst still breathing..."

And at times when I am most confused and low, I hear it:
"Remember, Beloved, death has lost it's victory. Death has lost it's sting."
Death has no business being a part of my life. My LIFE.
Only that which is true is beautiful.
Give me only what is true.

I went to Philadelphia this past weekend. I saw someone I had not seen in two years. My heart has been completely restored and healed. And I have let go. That is all there really is to say about that.
Also while in Philadelphia, I had a whoooole bunch of conversations with Lindsey- as per usual. A great many where we became incredibly frustrated with one another at some point because we see a few details of the same things different ways. Every time, she was trying to make me understand something that I either couldn't grasp or didn't want to admit. Usually the latter.
I was in Barnes and Noble today reading some more of a book that I had been reading during my time there with her called "Being Peace" by Thich Nhat Hanh. I came across this and understand so much of what it is she was trying to say to me.

I will let it speak to you as it will.
If you would like to know how it spoke to me, ask me. I would love to tell you.
Blessings to you, dear ones.
You are so very beloved. Learn to claim that over yourself at all times.

Please Call Me By My True Names

Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow 
because even today I still arrive.

Look deeply: I arrive in every second 
to be a bud on a spring branch, 
to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile, 
learning to sing in my new nest, 
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, 
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry, 
in order to fear and to hope. 
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and 
death of all that are alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river,
and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time 
to eat the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond, 
and I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence, 
feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, 
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks, 
and I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to 

I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea
and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and

I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my
and I am the man who has to pay his "debt of blood" to, my
dying slowly in a forced labor camp.

My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all
walks of life.
My pain if like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names, 
so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once, 
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names, 
so I can wake up, 
and so the door of my heart can be left open, 
the door of compassion.

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had To Say

This isn't going to start out any other way than any other thing I have ever written.
But it is very much unlike any other thing I have ever written.
Because I don't want to be writing it.
This is one story I do not want to tell.
But it is the one story that I need to tell.
Because it is the one story you need to read.
It's long, but please.
There is much to say.

Tonight, I had coffee with a dear friend of mine. Standard event, typical occurrence.
But no, not really.
Tonight was different.
I am so much older than I was yesterday.

I am going to break a few rules here and tell you the effect before the cause, her response before what I had said.
She asked me if I ever did yoga.
I answered yes.
She told me something that someone she does yoga regularly with told her once.
"You know how, sometimes, you'll be in those really difficult positions and you become so self aware that you notice something strange about the positioning of some part of your body? (She bent her right middle finger) Like, when your hand is on the mat, and you look down at it and see your finger isn't quite resting as it should and it just looks kind of... ugly. The most important way to respond is to see it. Really see it, notice it for what it is. Call it the ugly that it is. Then accept it for being such, and then soften it. Make it gentle."

Well, no matter how badly I may be fighting this right now and how much I really don't want to do this, this is how I make my ugly into gentle. This is how I soften...

The other night I was coming home late from being out with some friends. Details don't matter, all that matters is that it was late. Really late. The kind of late that turns into early. And I was coming home. I came up out of the train and after taking a few steps, noticed that someone was walking, in near-perfect synchronization , with my pace, just a few steps behind me. I became uncomfortable. I got "that vibe"- every woman knows the one I'm talking about. My phone was dead so there is not much I could have done anyway, except just keep walking. Quickly. So I did.
I made it to my doorstep with this man still behind me, and I began to walk up the stairs. The first step had me feeling like maybe I had misjudged the man and jumped to conclusions too quickly. I was safe. I was home. I was on my front step. But when I reached the second step- I was sexually assaulted. The man reached up my skirt and- to be as delicate as possible- touched me inappropriately. I don't need to expound. You know what I mean.
In all honestly, I have never wanted to cry like a child in my entire life more than at that moment, right there. My knee jerk reaction was to yell, "Oh my god!" and then choke out that sob that wanted so badly to wrench itself out of my body. But in the next instant, I was angry. Livid. Not only because of what he did, but because he made me feel that way. And he was not allowed to make me feel that way. No one is allowed to make me feel that way. So I turned and screamed at him with everything I had in me. "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"
He laughed.
And walked away.

I cried that night, but functioned fairly normally for the next few days until last night, where a panel conversation among men about sex trafficking had a much deeper effect on me than I expected it to. A poem was read that left me in tears, choking back those same sobs from only 4 nights before, and after the panel, a friend and co-worker asked me if I was alright. I'm an honest person- I said no. We began to walk and talk and I started to tell her how I was feeling and midway through a sentence she stopped, grabbed my arm, looked me in the eye, and asked me if something happened.
After that question, I don't think I stopped crying for an entire hour.
Not just over this situation, another extremely hurtful and fairly demeaning one had occurred recently in my life as well; but in regards to this experience, she suggested I take action against this assault. Seeing as how I never got a good look at the man, I'm not sure if there is much that I can do. But something she said has stayed with me since that conversation. "You're not a victim if you take action."
And while contacting the police might cease to make me feel like a victim externally, more importantly to me, is the necessity of no longer feeling like a victim internally.
And for me, that means to write. The way I process, the way I heal, the way I communicate, is through my written words. And ultimately, as negative as this experience was, it made me connect with and understand something so important to me in a way that I never had before.

When that man took that action against me, something was taken from me in that instant: my value and worth. As a human being. As a woman.
In that moment, I was nothing more than an object that happened to possess the pieces necessary to make him feel a certain way. Turn him on.
In that moment, I was treated as property- though never purchased- that he felt he had the right and ability to touch and use for his own pleasure at his own leisure.
In that moment, I had no voice, no thoughts, no feelings, no soul, no mind, no emotions, no power, no potential. I only had legs and what lives between them.
And he felt entitled to it. Entitled to receive something precious and protected from me without actually knowing or caring anything for me.

This is how I call it what it is:
Ugly. Violent. Shameful. Unacceptable. Wrong.
This is how I accept it for what it is:
Painful. Hurtful. Discriminatory. Disrespectful. Wrenching. Haunting.
This is how I soften it, reign it in, make peace with it, and turn it into something gentle:
I speak. I feel. I tell. I connect. I cry. I learn. I fight.

I do not stand on that step and cry like a child, I remember my strength and I yell like a woman.

And then I remember that I do not yell only for my own sake, but for theirs too.
I yell my story, and then I yell theirs louder.
My horror is matchless to that which they endure day after day, year after year, but my heart stands with them in solidarity- in a more powerful way than I have ever experienced before.
These women, these girls who are sold like cattle, beaten as property, chained like prisoners, and abused like objects. These women, these girls, that have something taken from them 5, 10, 15, 20 times a day. I knew this. But never before had I been in the position of knowing what it feels like to have something taken from you in that way. Until now.

As someone who has resigned and committed my life to eradicating sexual violence and slavery, I must speak up for myself now that I myself have been affected by a form of sexual violence and assault. I must speak because if I remain quiet, my silence claims that it is acceptable.  And anyone who knows me well knows that if you want to fan my fire, ask me if I believe whether or not sexual exploitation, in any form, of women is okay.

Having just completed work on the initial appeal for the Nomi Network holiday campaign, I used the illustration of the power of our stories and shared the story of one of the women working with us in Cambodia (read it here). She was brave enough to share her story with the world, and it was and is my obligation to retell hers and share my own.

And the truth is: We all, each and every one of us, have an obligation to do the same. For if we remain quiet, our silence claims that it is acceptable.
We know what is right, and we know what is wrong. But do we feel it burning in our bones? Do our souls catch fire at the sight of injustice? Has it taken hold of our time, money, thoughts, energy, resources, conversations, lives? Because if not, it is only because we have tragically forgotten that we belong to each other.

Had I chosen not to share my story and invite you all into in with all the honesty and vulnerability I have in me, I would only have been laying down in the tracks of what I fight against on a daily basis.
This has made me mad as hell. Beyond that. Outraged. Infuriated. That man was not entitled to lording power over me in any way. No man is entitled to lording any sort of violence or domination or power over any woman in anyway. Ever. What that man did to me was unacceptable. What happens to millions of women around the world every single day is completely unacceptable.

We have got to stop acting like it doesn't matter if it doesn't happen to us or nothing will ever change. We have got to start speaking up, both women AND men, when we see or experience injustice.  And we have got to stop pretending like it's not happening. We have all become responsible. And if knowing their horror and knowing their captivity doesn't make you want to scream and cry and fight for freedom with absolutely everything you have, I don't know what ever will.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Long Overdue

So I'm sitting here in my apartment, listening to my Bon Iver Pandora station, knowing full well that I need to leave my apartment in about 2 hours to go to work... and yet, I am not sleeping.
I am writing.
Leave it to me so neglect something that I know builds and builds and builds inside of me and eventually explodes until the exact moment I need it to explode the least.
Or maybe things are not always as they appear.
Maybe right now is when I need it the most.
Maybe right now is the moment that I'm finally ready to say a lot of the things I haven't been saying for such a long time now.
Maybe right now holds so much more promise, possibility, and meaning than meets the eye.

Maybe all of my "right nows" always do, I'm just not really looking at those moments to see it.
I'm too busy thinking about whatever it is I think I should be doing.

I should be sleeping. (Because that's what I'm told the night is for)
I should be making money. (Because that's what I'm told makes my world turn)
I should be hanging out with people. (Because that's what I'm told gives me meaning)

Says who?
Why is it that I've placed these expectations on myself and put myself under so much pressure to do these things that I'm not really sure I need to do or even want to do all the time?

You know what I want to do?

And be with my Beloved.

That's it.

I feel like I'm coming out of a fog.
And you know what the awesome thing is?
I still can't see where I'm going.
But for once, I don't care.
Because I am so very confident in Who I am going with.

I tried for a long while there to follow other paths with lesser loves holding my hand and leading me on.
That was just silly. And eventually painful.
And I lost myself in the midst of it all.
I've been gone for a while, I really have.
Like, if anyone who truly knows me were to have looked at me through spiritual eyes over the past year, they probably saw nothing more than a blurry outline and shadow.
But now...
I think they'd see me.
I hope they'd see me.
Because I sure feel like me.

You know something?
I've been disappointed a great deal recently.
By some very dear people.
And one person who I thought could be and attempted to make very dear.
But it was so very forced.
And never reciprocated... no matter how much they may claim it was.
(Actions speak so much louder)
It made me cry on more than one occasion, I'll admit.
I fucking hate that. I hated that it held so much importance to me that it affected my emotions in the purest, rawest form.
But the honest truth is that I always knew it was nowhere near right or healthy or necessary or good.
And the honest truth is that it was kept from me, though I made many mistakes (repeatedly) while trying to hard to make it stay.
The honest truth is that I deserve so much better.
And that I was made for so much more than what that situation could have offered me.

I think about it now and it makes me shudder.
How completely silly I was.
And naive.
And willing to settle.
I knew that if I got it onto paper, I'd get it out of my system and I'd be able to let it go.
That's all it would take.
And I was right.
The disappointments are still flooding, but I am not finding myself disappointed.
I was incredibly deceived over a period of many months, but I am finding myself full.
And so very content.
And genuinely happy.

Know why?
Because I was made for so much more.
And I've decided to claim it again.

Sometimes I wonder if some people get into relationships or get married simply because they lack the creativity to think of something else to do... Or are too afraid to do what they really want to do- alone. Especially people my age and younger. They're too afraid to do anything outside of what everyone has always done and what society thinks they should do. They're too afraid to face everyday without feeling like they're in love with someone or that someone loves them because it's a security blanket. They don't think themselves brave enough to simply live. As they are. And it's sad. Because they miss so much of what they're capable of because they never learn how to trust themselves to truly be okay on their own. And the beauty found in just proving what you can do to no one else but yourself.

Without exaggeration, literally everyday, I have someone  in my life, even if they're passing through, either say to me, or write me a Facebook message, or send me a text, or contact me online in some way telling me:
-they admire the decisions I have made in my life, or
-I have inspired them in some way to see life differently, or
-I am living out one or more of their dreams, or
-they wish they could be more like me

I do not say any of this to sound conceited... I am being completely honest.

And it makes me wonder...
Why are people wasting their time saying these things to me instead of just DOING them?
Honestly, there is no difference at all between myself and them.
We are both just as smart and capable and brave and imaginative... I just think that a great many of us have forgotten these things about ourselves and have settled for what we're told we should do and be instead.

I'm only 21. I don't pretend to know everything. In fact, I really don't know much of anything.
But what I do know is simple.
I know that the people who choose the ordinary beaten path are going to be comfortable and content.
But I don't want either one of those.
Give me ridiculous. Give me daring. Give me bold. Give me dangerous. Give me unexpected.
Bring me to the unfamiliar places and I will make my own way.
I know that chasing your dreams doesn't make much sense this day in age, and in this economy,  you can't take risks with your future.
But what the hell else am I to do with it if not take risks?
And I know that people always do what they want to do.
And if you don't do it... you didn't want it that badly.
No objections. No excuses.
It's just true.
If you don't chase it... you don't want it.
And I want too many things too badly to simply settle into something that makes me feel super warm and fuzzy, but makes me forget what I was created for.
And these things are things I have to do alone. That I only desire to do alone.
I can't fully explain why... I just need to.
That's it.

So there it is.
I've hurt in my hurts.
I've embraced them, let them enter into my skin, and I've picked myself up and moved forward.
Because we all know how I get if I stand in one place for too long... ;)

I need nothing more than the promise that my Beloved is always with me.
To pretend that I need any more than that is to forget how much life there is in His presence.
Just waiting for me to take hold of it and begin walking...

So here we go...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Happy Birthday

To my darling Gracie!

She's backpacking through my favourite country (Thailand) as we speak after dancing and living it up in China for the past few months.

Check out her blog to learn more about her adventures and experience for yourself what a precious soul she is. :)

Come home to me soon, love!