Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I feel as though I've been passed around one too many times.

In more ways than one.

Never settling.
Never settled.

And though it is what I yearn for in every single way...
It's what swallows me whole as well.

Where does the walking away end?
Where does the running stop?
Is there even a finish line to be seen?

I miss you, but I have no idea who you are anymore.
Or why silence makes me feel this way.
Water is rising and my head sinks beneath.
But the racing feeling it gives my heart has become addicting.
Among other things.
None of them good for me.
So they tell me.

So they tell me...
To stop.
Slow down.
Float above.
Come back.


I'm not even sure I know how to do that anymore.

Without you.

Who the hell are you, anyway?
I've made my choice.
And no, I'm not naive.
I'm thinking clearer than I ever have.
And I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
It's just that I feel like you've become so clouded to me.
So wrapped up in other people's assumptions,
That I can't even see your outline through their fog.
I miss who I thought you were and
I miss who I've never known you are.
So, you have to understand that I have to do this.
I have to leave for a little while
Because I know that you won't.
You never will.
You've told me countless times and you always keep your word.
Don't you understand that I need this?
I just have to know.
I feel... but I have to know.
Just as I've always felt.
But that's just not good enough for me anymore.
I can't keep listening in the same way I always have.
I can't keep hearing only the things I'm told to hear.
I don't know anything that is true but you.
But I have to find out who that is.
Hands off the reigns, once and for all.
Just let me do what I do best...
and walk away.

1 comment:

denab said...

I love you, Jamersons. So much, it hurts me to see you hurting yourself, but I know we all go through these stages in life and that can't really be helped. I'm praying for you always, and I know you're on a road to somewhere wonderful. God has an amazing and beautiful plan that He's worked out, handcrafted for only you. <3

Hugs and Kisses from the Lou.