Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Alone.

My dreams have been incredibly vivid and incredibly realistic recently.

The other night, I had one in which someone very important to me in my life died... and when I woke up, the incredibly awful sinking feeling that the "dream me" had, still remained.
It has been a few days, and at moments, it returns and is difficult to shake.

Just last night I had a dream in which I harshly confronted a man for looking at me and speaking to me in an inappropriate, sexual manner. I don't know who this person is or where we were, but I know that I let him have it... and I held nothing back. I know we were in a public place and apparently, there were people with me that I knew, even though I can't tell you who they were.
I do know that I got right up into his face and began reprimanding him... telling him that it is absolutely NEVER appropriate for a man to speak to or look at a woman in the way that he just had to me... and that I was not going to stand for it. I continued on and gave a sort of speech, of which I can remember a good deal of. By the end of it, I was screaming and sobbing, while yelling about the women that I dearly love and fight for who are enslaved in brothels around the globe. The last thing I remember is the look on the man's face as I told him of the three year old girls who are kidnapped, raped for their virginity, "restiched", and raped for the "same virginity" again and again as my companions restrained me and pulled me away. The man looked truly horrified and just as his eye's began to fill with tears, I woke up.
Probably because of the sound of my own screaming in my head.

I don't know exactly what to make of these... especially that last dream... other than that when I feel something and believe in something, I feel it and believe it completely. Even unconsciously.

Also, that I wish that the person involved in dream number one would leave my dreams alone.
They have been in almost every single one I have had recently, and it's starting to make me feel funny.



Sometimes, I forget how incredibly good it feels to spend long periods of time alone. To be honest, the thought of it scares me more often than not, and I'm not exactly sure why. I enjoy it so very much when I have it... you would think that maybe I would be able to remind myself of this every now and then.
But no matter- it is truly good when it is here.
I feel as though I understand myself and what I am capable of, worthy of, and meant for so much better. Every time I am alone, the world starts to look much brighter and more beautiful than it did in the days before when I found myself clamoring to be around people constantly as some sort of escape.
I really don't know if I will ever figure out what it is that I am escaping from. What it is that I am so incredibly afraid of.
Maybe in order to do so, I have to spend much more time alone.

Maybe it is about time for that mountain climb...

There is something about mountains for me. I can't explain it. And I know that to most "normal" people, it sounds crazy every single time I talk about it. Especially because of what happens to me when I do talk about it. My heart races and you can hear it in my voice as I start to talk faster and louder. As I speak, my hands flail wildly (even more so than usual, believe it or not) and sometimes, if you're lucky, I may even jump around a little bit... okay, a lot.
While flying back to NYC from LA, I flew over the Rockies, and couldn't stop staring at them. This feeling rose up in me and I began to cry. I have to climb them. I have to climb so many more.
I think I have finally figured out when and where this started for me. It had to have been Wli. It's the only answer that makes sense. And I'm pretty sure I can even pinpoint the exact moment it happened as well...
Coming up over the ridge... the first real gaze at the Upper Falls, after not seeing them for about 2 hours and only seeing them from a hazy distance prior to that. Our guide had told us of the magnitude of this moment- the sight, the thundering sound, the scale, the overwhelming beauty of it all- but Charles' words did not accurately prepare me for what I found and what it did to me when I found it.

I remember coming up over the ridge and instantly choking back a sob. I was directly behind Charles, in the front of our group of about 15, and when I saw it, I froze. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't speak. My head had no idea what thoughts to even begin to have. This was the only time in my life that I remember my tears feeling like a natural reflex rather than an emotional response- kind of like when your doctor hits that part of your knee and your leg jolts up. There was no other reaction to have. I didn't even think or feel them into being- they just were. They just existed.
And I just stood there and stared. And just was. Just existed.

I think I could have stayed there forever.

Maybe it's the feeling of accomplishment. Maybe it's the achievement of "Do that which you think you cannot". Maybe it's knowing that I am in a place that only a select certain few will ever be in throughout history.

Whatever it is, it changed my life. And I am addicted.
Sometimes it lays dormant... but it only takes a little bit of activity to resurrect it.
People wonder why I love working out so much...
...I kind of pretend I am climbing a mountain.
Yes, every time (which is also why I love elliptical machines).
And get me actually out of doors hiking... and it's ALL over.
Something in me snaps and I just go.
My heart races, my endorphins are released, and my legs move faster than I ever thought possible.
I am pretty much always in the front of any group that I hike or climb with. Not because of any sort of arrogant reason, I assure you, but only because I don't know how to tell my body to slow or stop.
And even if I did... I would never want to.


Anyway, this is enough for now.
I was delighted to discover the most incredible, literally life-changing music earlier at Grounded and I want to paint to it. Really badly.
So I'm going to.

Oh, and I can't tell you whose music it is... I need to keep it a secret for at least a little while longer. And just relish in it... thinking that it is all my own.



Today was long overdue.
And it was beautiful.
I am excited to have a full apartment this extended weekend with 4 beautiful and inspiring visitors, but being alone was lovely.
Lovelier than I had remembered and lovelier than I expected.

I think I shall do it more often.

1 comment:

kasey said...

Jamie, you are a beautiful person. I've been waiting for you to write, thanks for giving me something beautiful to read. Your dreams made me cry.

I'm glad to hear someone else gets so excited about mountains. They're about the only thing left that can get our attention and slam it into our skulls that no matter how great we think we are, no matter how tall and magnificent our buildings are, we are small. The world/God/everything is so much more than us, we are a small piece in all this. Perhaps most people are made uncomfortable by this fact... but when you allow yourself to go limp and accept it, you realize how privileged you are to be a part of it all. It is an honor to be so insignificant, but still a piece of the puzzle... at least that is how it makes me feel. I'm determined to one day live at the bottom of one so I may be reminded of this every time I step out my door. Until then I can only visit and write most of my songs about it.
Jamie, lets go. I'll be there in New York in a few hours, but after that let's go to the mountains. You must see Mt. Rainier. It will make your knees weak.