Saturday, January 24, 2009

It is 45 degrees at 1:38am on the 24th of January.
And I don't know who I am.

I read something
It's about a year ago, now.
It leads me back again to The Threshing Floor.

And I reach for the Truth again that I had neglected to the corner.
The same as I had the other day.
Half-hearted, seeking what I do not know.

And as my fingers graze it's pages... my eyes fill.
My throat swells.
The tears brim.

I have missed you, Darling.
I have longed for you, Beloved.
Where have you gone?
Come home to me again.
Come back and I will show you all that you are seeking.
Come back and I will give you all you need.
Come back and I will take you as you are.

Oh, Shepherd, Grace, for I am Much-Afraid!
I am Lutte who waits at the Well.
I am Gomer who runs away.
I am she who does not trust...
I am she who will not give...
I am she who cannot listen...

And yet, I am she who knows.

Please capture them.
Captivate them.
Do not let them go far from you again.
For in them, is where it begins...
They are the root, they are the cause.
And the sorry state of my heart is their effect.

This wandering.
This wondering.
This wrenching from within.

All I did was reach.
All I did was touch and it was restored.
All I did was desire.
I began to desire.
I begin to desire.
I feel it, even now...

"When I choose to stare it in the face,
It changes shape and form.
It transforms into something much much deeper.
Much bigger than myself.
Something that is ingrained.
Something so deep that it can only be there because it is meant to be quenched-
But not on this side.
Not here, not now.
It permeates everything I do.
It shows itself to me in the strangest of places.
It calls, it cries, it lingers and whispers around every corner.
In every eye, every face, every number that is a name.
In everything I find so easy to ignore when I do not listen.
When I choose to forget that I was made to reimagine.
It is loaded, yet simple.
So easily misunderstood and misplaced.
It is purposed and necessary.
Universal, specific, and true.
It is found on the threshing floor.
It is found on the threshing floor.
It is found on the threshing floor.

I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone-
Which is the irony spoken of so many times
By so many others.
It is worth all that I have and all that I am.
Or rather, all that I do not have.
Because it is not mine.

Why pretend that anything I hold has the same destination as me?
I am convinced that one of the worst things about the Curse is that we have such a narrow view of Completion and all that it means.

What if, what if, what if?
But why?

Look. See. Know.
No more is there only death to be found in death.
Is that not reason enough for me?
Is that not all there is to love?
Is that not worth it all?

To Seek the Kingdom.
To Bring the Kingdom.

It is found on the Threshing Floor.
It is found on the Threshing Floor.
It is found on the Threshing Floor."

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