I am insistent.
And I am stubborn.
This past weekend had me laying in bed until 4pm almost everyday.
I don't like when I do things like this.
It scares me a lot... but not because of the actual actions or rather, inactions, themselves, but because I know that there is always always always someTHING that makes me act that way.
And that's just it.
An "it" that I somehow let allow define so much in my state of being.
An "it" that changes my "be" by kidnapping my "do".
And that just simply will not do.
So yesterday, as if in preparation for a burial, I disposed of some necessary things.
Almost none of it tangible, but I threw them out nonetheless.
And then I purged.
And good friends- who have been around since I can remember and are still around.
And good conversation- that we have had as far back as I can remember and still have.
And noticing the little things, like the way the moon looked at dusk.
Or that sometimes, it's better to not go through the front door, but squeeze through a fence in the back just because you've never done it before.
Just because no one ever does it.
Just because they don't believe they're allowed to.
I'm done with believing that there are somehow things that I myself am not "allowed" to do.
The world is infinitely open to me at all times, it's just a matter of grasping for it.
And it doesn't always have to look as it has for me in the past- hurried glances through moving windows, whether they be car, train, plane, or even ship.
Beauty is allowed to stand still every once in a while.
And it's really only then that we are able to notice the still and quiet beauties anyway.
And I don't want to miss those.
I never want to miss those.
I think I may have finally started that book that people keep telling me I should write.
I have also written a few more pieces. And a song.
Did you hear that?
It's about damn time.
I have a piano lesson on Thursday.
And a Passover potluck date with my "family".
Lindsey comes in town on Wednesday.
Every time I feel myself to be going completely crazy, the only person I can stand to be around is her.
James comes in town on Thursday. We're going to need to get away with his guitar for a while.
This will be good.
My eyes are beginning to open and I am starting to see.
There is enough beauty in today for me to keep myself from thinking about tomorrow.
And the only reason there should ever be enough space in my senses to start dwelling on the worries of tomorrow, is if I should stop filling those senses with the beauties of today.
And I pray I never will.
Please, don't ever let me.