Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Long Overdue

So I'm sitting here in my apartment, listening to my Bon Iver Pandora station, knowing full well that I need to leave my apartment in about 2 hours to go to work... and yet, I am not sleeping.
I am writing.
Leave it to me so neglect something that I know builds and builds and builds inside of me and eventually explodes until the exact moment I need it to explode the least.
Or maybe things are not always as they appear.
Maybe right now is when I need it the most.
Maybe right now is the moment that I'm finally ready to say a lot of the things I haven't been saying for such a long time now.
Maybe right now holds so much more promise, possibility, and meaning than meets the eye.

Maybe all of my "right nows" always do, I'm just not really looking at those moments to see it.
I'm too busy thinking about whatever it is I think I should be doing.

I should be sleeping. (Because that's what I'm told the night is for)
I should be making money. (Because that's what I'm told makes my world turn)
I should be hanging out with people. (Because that's what I'm told gives me meaning)

Says who?
Why is it that I've placed these expectations on myself and put myself under so much pressure to do these things that I'm not really sure I need to do or even want to do all the time?

You know what I want to do?

And be with my Beloved.

That's it.

I feel like I'm coming out of a fog.
And you know what the awesome thing is?
I still can't see where I'm going.
But for once, I don't care.
Because I am so very confident in Who I am going with.

I tried for a long while there to follow other paths with lesser loves holding my hand and leading me on.
That was just silly. And eventually painful.
And I lost myself in the midst of it all.
I've been gone for a while, I really have.
Like, if anyone who truly knows me were to have looked at me through spiritual eyes over the past year, they probably saw nothing more than a blurry outline and shadow.
But now...
I think they'd see me.
I hope they'd see me.
Because I sure feel like me.

You know something?
I've been disappointed a great deal recently.
By some very dear people.
And one person who I thought could be and attempted to make very dear.
But it was so very forced.
And never reciprocated... no matter how much they may claim it was.
(Actions speak so much louder)
It made me cry on more than one occasion, I'll admit.
I fucking hate that. I hated that it held so much importance to me that it affected my emotions in the purest, rawest form.
But the honest truth is that I always knew it was nowhere near right or healthy or necessary or good.
And the honest truth is that it was kept from me, though I made many mistakes (repeatedly) while trying to hard to make it stay.
The honest truth is that I deserve so much better.
And that I was made for so much more than what that situation could have offered me.

I think about it now and it makes me shudder.
How completely silly I was.
And naive.
And willing to settle.
I knew that if I got it onto paper, I'd get it out of my system and I'd be able to let it go.
That's all it would take.
And I was right.
The disappointments are still flooding, but I am not finding myself disappointed.
I was incredibly deceived over a period of many months, but I am finding myself full.
And so very content.
And genuinely happy.

Know why?
Because I was made for so much more.
And I've decided to claim it again.

Sometimes I wonder if some people get into relationships or get married simply because they lack the creativity to think of something else to do... Or are too afraid to do what they really want to do- alone. Especially people my age and younger. They're too afraid to do anything outside of what everyone has always done and what society thinks they should do. They're too afraid to face everyday without feeling like they're in love with someone or that someone loves them because it's a security blanket. They don't think themselves brave enough to simply live. As they are. And it's sad. Because they miss so much of what they're capable of because they never learn how to trust themselves to truly be okay on their own. And the beauty found in just proving what you can do to no one else but yourself.

Without exaggeration, literally everyday, I have someone  in my life, even if they're passing through, either say to me, or write me a Facebook message, or send me a text, or contact me online in some way telling me:
-they admire the decisions I have made in my life, or
-I have inspired them in some way to see life differently, or
-I am living out one or more of their dreams, or
-they wish they could be more like me

I do not say any of this to sound conceited... I am being completely honest.

And it makes me wonder...
Why are people wasting their time saying these things to me instead of just DOING them?
Honestly, there is no difference at all between myself and them.
We are both just as smart and capable and brave and imaginative... I just think that a great many of us have forgotten these things about ourselves and have settled for what we're told we should do and be instead.

I'm only 21. I don't pretend to know everything. In fact, I really don't know much of anything.
But what I do know is simple.
I know that the people who choose the ordinary beaten path are going to be comfortable and content.
But I don't want either one of those.
Give me ridiculous. Give me daring. Give me bold. Give me dangerous. Give me unexpected.
Bring me to the unfamiliar places and I will make my own way.
I know that chasing your dreams doesn't make much sense this day in age, and in this economy,  you can't take risks with your future.
But what the hell else am I to do with it if not take risks?
And I know that people always do what they want to do.
And if you don't do it... you didn't want it that badly.
No objections. No excuses.
It's just true.
If you don't chase it... you don't want it.
And I want too many things too badly to simply settle into something that makes me feel super warm and fuzzy, but makes me forget what I was created for.
And these things are things I have to do alone. That I only desire to do alone.
I can't fully explain why... I just need to.
That's it.

So there it is.
I've hurt in my hurts.
I've embraced them, let them enter into my skin, and I've picked myself up and moved forward.
Because we all know how I get if I stand in one place for too long... ;)

I need nothing more than the promise that my Beloved is always with me.
To pretend that I need any more than that is to forget how much life there is in His presence.
Just waiting for me to take hold of it and begin walking...

So here we go...

1 comment:

ria1224 said...

I linked to your blog via Joanna. Thank you for having the courage to write this. I read some of your archives, too. Your writing is absolutely beautiful and I can relate to much of what you speak of. Keep writing- you were given a talent by Him. :-)