When he said what he said, I immediately felt my stomach wrench and my spirit yell, "Not again!"
Talking it out made me realize that while I didn't believe I was being lied to, I felt I was.
And thats unfair.
But deeper than that, my gut core reaction was to think and to even say, "God is deceiving me again."
Because for the last 2 and a half years, I have felt deceived by God because of what happened with Chris.
And I didn't know how to name it such.
The mindset that I have been functioning in for so long now is that God deceived me.
Not that Chris deceived me.
I had and still do in a lot of ways have Chris up on such a pedestal that I trusted Chris' word against God's.
This is why I still have never truly healed.
Because the entire foundation that I was attempting to seek healing on was a lie.
A complete and total lie.
Every sermon I listend too, every book I read, every conversation I had was in the attempt to figure out why GOD had done this to me, NOT why God had simply allowed Chris to do it.
That Chris' word was more trustworthy than God's.
And because God "told" Chris things that were never even close to confirmed for me, I must have been mistaken.
Or that God must have been out to get me. God decieved me through Chris' decision because God moved Chris to make it.
And I am just now for the first time seeing that that is entirely and completely untrue in every way.
The dude fucked up. And I had put the blame completely on the wrong party for so long.
And while that may look like nothing more than a small mix up- it's nowhere near that.
Because then when situations like this come up that ask me to open my hand instead of keeping it clenched, I immediately retreat- because I have been convinced to believe in a God that does not have my best interest at heart by an Enemy that has worked in disgustingly quick and thorough ways.
I heard myself say: "Last time I opened my hand, my heart was ripped out."
And while that may be true for what it is, it is not BECAUSE my hand was opened that my heart was ripped out. My heart was ripped out by the one that my hand was not opened to. The One that I opened my hand to is the One who has been desiring to fully heal me ever since.
But I just couldn't trust Him.
I was too deceived.
And why was I so easily convinced of these lies?
Because I trusted Chris' word more than God's.
Because I loved Chris more than I loved God.
I clung to Chris more. I confided in Chris more.
I found my worth and my sense of self in Chris more.
It wasn't that I ever set out for that. I never went into that relationship hoping that I would make the mistake of loving Chris more than I loved God.
But it did happen.
How did it happen?
That's what I am trying to dig down into and discover.
It's multi faceted.
But I know that in part, it is because things happened too quickly for us to see warning signs to stop it from happening.
Everything beautiful grows over time.
That is how it is meant to be.
So these feelings, these questions, this anxiety, this fear... this is me not trusting.
Not wanting to trust.
And not wanting him to trust.
This is me not listening.
And not wanting him to listen.
This is the battle that I named the other night.
The battle to learn to trust You and see You for who You are.
I'm terrified that if he starts listening to God, God is going to tell him to teach me a lesson.
To leave me.
To hurt me.
Because that's what I have spent two and a half years believing about God and what God did with Chris.
That the only way I get any sembelence of love or care or affection is when I do it myself.
When in reality, that was all a farce. A dangerous and painful one at that.
I believed that offering anything up to God automatically meant that God is going to take it away.
"Last time I opened my hand, my heart was ripped out"
My spirit is yelling, "Don't listen, don't listen, don't listen! Don't even ask!"
Over and over and over.
I am fighting this with everything in me.
I want to scream and cry and run at God and punch at his chest and tell him to stop it.
To stop hurting me.
When He is trying to heal me.
I am learning that I can't run away from things like this.
I can't just pretend they're not there by not facing them.
Retreat is not an option.
Escape routes are not healthy or fair.
And neither is distracting myself from facing them by covering them up.
Wounds this deep must be stitched, not bandaged.
And that can only come after sucking out the poison first.
I am in need.
Deep and desperate.
My Shepherd, I am Much-Afraid.
And we are In The Mist.
Bring me to the Place of Anointing.
"My Lord, if You can deceive me, You may."
But I long to take You at Your word and trust that you cannot and will not.
"If this is only a test, I hope that I'm passing, cause I'm losing steam. But I still want to trust You...
"Peace be still."