Monday, February 1, 2010

"This is divine redemption"

I am learning how to live without an escape plan.
And I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

It kind of makes me feel like curling up into the fetal position.
And it also kind of makes me want to run through an open field with my arms stretched wide.

It makes my heart beat faster than I thought was humanly possible.
And it makes my breath slower than I knew could actually keep someone alive.

It makes me want to laugh in complete freedom.
And it makes me want to cry out of total uncomfortability.

This is all just so new and sudden and unexpected and something I had resigned myself to thinking I would never need to learn.
I'm an expert at planning escape routes because after years and years of becoming terrifying good at reading the signs, I have always been able to tell when it was the right time for me to skip out first.
And almost always there was that small tinge of hope that someone would follow.
Tell me not this time.
Not like this.
Not that way.

Stay right here.

But all I have ever met with have been confirmed suspicions over and over to the point where, at least as I stopped thinking I was crazy, I just sadly started believing that I wasn't worth it.
And never would be.
It rooted itself so deep that I stopped ever even noticing it was there.
And just tried to live with it.
Completely unaware of how unhealthy it was.
And especially unaware of how much my heart was aching for the truth.

So time.
After time.
After time.
I looked.
I tried.
I forced.
I hurt.
I experienced, lived through, and came out of the most emotionally damaging year of my life...
...Completely unaware of what was waiting for me on the other side.

I have been sideswiped.
I have been ambushed.
I have been shown everything that I never thought I was allowed to see.

And so now I find myself here... in this position... where all I can do is cry...
From the deep and utter gratitude that I am filling up with to the point of overflowing.

For the first time in my life, I'm not tiptoeing through this.
For the first time ever, I'm not asking questions anymore.
There are no maybes.
And my mind is blown.

It is making my head spin.
It has me on the edge of sanity, really.
Because I never ever ever in a million years thought of myself as worthy of something as beautiful as this.
As understanding as this.
As comforting as this.
As sacrificial as this.
As gracious as this.
As loving as this.
As real as this.

As wonderful as you.

"This is divine redemption"

And I am left utterly speechless at how incredibly beautiful you make me feel.

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