"It's still good to have options"
Looks like I'm running again.
But this time, it's not REALLY because I'm scared.
Even though I kind of am.
It's because the clear knowledge of what I want is way too overwhelming to place in the hands of uncertainty.
So I'd rather just try and forget it instead and stick to my list.
But it's been in the back of my mind this long, even as I've been crossing things off.
Something tells me it's going to be there for a while.
I don't think I'm going to be escaping this one any time soon.
And that's just fine with me.
"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."
And this is where I sit.
But should you come and sit with me, I don't think I would mind watching certain figs wither and die nearly as much.
Because it's entirely possible that it has taken me this long to decide, simply because I didn't know the right one was there- until you showed me.
And I can only reach it if we reach together.
So I will wait.
Until you come and sit with me.
Come and sit with me.
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